It’s been a while but I promise it has been
for good reason. A lot has happened since
my last post. For starters, it’s been babies galore. My cousin had her baby and
three of my bridesmaids are brewing little bundles. Cody and I booked our
caterer. My sister came home from Hawaii
for a visit. We said goodbye to my Grandpa. Cody and I awkwardly fumbled
through our engagement photo session. Season 7 of Walking Dead started.
It’s been nuts.
Amidst all this I have also embarked on the
mini-pilgrimage within Cody and I’s epic adventure known as wedding dress
shopping. A divine and critical mile-marker
I have both been excitedly anticipating and dreading. You read that correctly .
It is very possible to experience extremes at the same time. Imagine sneezing. You get super relieved
(‘I’ve been staring at the ceiling for 10 minutes waiting for this bad boy’)
and super anxious (‘omg, my eyes are going to pop out’) for a millisecond. Same
concept.
For starters, regular shopping gives me a
headache. Clothing shopping, grocery shopping, even a trip to CVS; it’s just
annoying. Unless it’s Target I’m not a fan. I’m especially bad at clothing
shopping. What will look good? What size will fit? Where the hell is the aisle for dress pants,
again? I often gather up an armful of things to try on and end up abandoning
them halfway to the dressing room in favor of leaving the store all together. Woof.
Secondly, I have awful body image. I am not
able to compare my experience to others and I know it is way too common but all
I can say is I am very aware the way I view myself is not normal. After years of working on it, continuing to
work at it, I still see pictures and often don’t recognize the body attached to
my face. Personal scrutiny unfortunately remains my automatic setting. I’m especially terrible when I’m stressed.
The week or so before my first dress
appointment, my anxiety built up nice and slow. A potent and rather confusing
mixture of angst and enthusiastic anticipation because I freaking out over an
appointment that I decided to book,
furthermore, a group event complete with champagne and photographer. I had done
this because I thought it would be a fun and a nice way to bring all the
bridesmaids together. We would go and play dress up, there would be mild
tension often featured on Say Yes to The
Dress, then we would laugh and cry and it would be over. Well there was no tension – my bridesmaids
are the chillest bunch of girls. My mom and MIL-to-be were calm and after the
first 2-3 dresses, so was I. The hives
faded fast (yes, I broke out in hives) and we all discovered the more I looked
disgusted, the more it meant I liked the dress. I was hoping it would be a one and done scenario. Max two. That was the dream.
What we also discovered is that this was a
lot harder than I wanted it to be. The
common pattern I noticed throughout almost all my dress appointments was I
could usually narrow it down to two dresses that were always POLAR opposites. One
that often fit what I always thought I wanted and one that was unexpectedly simple
or more traditional. I quickly spiraled
deep into an existential crisis. What
did I really want to look like on my wedding day? Had it all been a lie? What
did people think I would wear? Does my mom like it enough? What would Cody like
best? WHO AM I?
After much soul searching, two factors
emerged as critical to narrowing down my search: budget & vision.
Budget.
For me, I couldn’t see myself spending tons of money on one dress that I
would wear one time. I have nothing against brides who spend $8000 on a wedding
dress. If you have the funds and most
importantly, you feel amazing – go bananas.
I’ve just never been someone to spend a lot of money on clothing. I
remember one of my homecoming dresses cost literally nine dollars. The dress I
wore to Ant and Rachel’s wedding - $14 on clearance at T.J.Maxx. So while my first
appointment at The White Dress By The Shore was
a blast, not one dress was remotely CLOSE to my budget and that was a
tremendous turn off. I knew my realistic selection walking into that place would
be limited by my budget and it was very much intended to be a preliminarily
appointment to try on different dress styles but what I learned was as the
bride it was my job to keep that number in mind during the entire appointment.
I needed to set the tone and I did not. I just let people pull dresses and
crawled inside. Thankfully I did not find anything I NEEDED to have so from
that appointment on, I made it clear I did not want to try on anything that
wasn’t within the budget. I played low-ball. I came to appreciate the
attendants (especially at Trinket Shoppe, Bliss Bridal, and The Wedding Embassy) who
listened and would double check the price tag with me prior to pulling a dress.
Vision. The constant snag in the line. I
felt so tightly wrapped up in the multiple layers of what I envisioned my dress
to look like. It was not just what I had
in my head but also what I thought other people would expect. While Cody and I
have taken a firm joint stance on doing what we want above the suggestions of others for our wedding day, I do
admit I felt a little more pressure to ensure my dress lived up to whatever
precedent my individual style has conjured up for people. There was a weird
disconnect between dresses I WANTED to love and how I actually felt in them. I
would often love the back of dresses but not the front or vice versa. The
sleeves of sample gowns were unfitted and disappointing. I routinely felt good in dresses I hadn’t ever
imagined myself in but still harbored a longing for the phantom dream dress of
my dreams. I think largely due to being sick of the process, I resigned toward
the end I would let go of my vision in favor of a budget friendly, more
traditional style dress that was both beautiful and comfortable. It was, after all I told myself, was a just a
dress.
I was convinced I was going to pick this
comfort dress. I found it by myself, got teary eyed, and immediately made an
appointment for my mom to see. Being local to the shop, I invited Rachel and
Sabrina along and I was excitedly texting them leading up to the appointment.
When I say I was ready to close the book, I mean it. I even told Cody as I left for my appointment
that I was going to be buying my dress that day.
I decided to try on a few dresses with the
comfort dress mixed in to gauge my mom, Rachel, and Sabrina’s honest reaction
to the dress. This is key because at
this point, I still cared if they liked it or not. There were definitely ones
that fit into my abandoned “vision” theme but even so, I was itching to get to
the dress and show them.
Well, the dress I tried before trying on the
comfort dress was one I had been casually looking for whenever I went to a shop
that carried the designer. I pulled it that day to try on largely just to be
able to say I had after the fact but when I put it on, something just clicked. It was as effortless and bright as turning on
a light switch. The dress had all the small pieces of other dresses I loved but
more importantly, it was the only wedding dress I’d tried on that I
wholeheartedly felt was 100% me. I
walked out and did not need to see my mom, Rachel, or Sabrina’s faces for
approval. I literally hopped onto the little pedestal thing, found my
reflection and painfully grinned in complete defeat. For giggles, they had me
put the comfort one on and I could not get out of it fast enough to put my
dress back on. No tears, no stress, no
drama. Just like that I said, “Okay,
cool. This is it. Yup! I’m good”.
Dress shopping with Cate was SO much fun. She looks annoyingly amazing in everything ;) - so we got to see so many stunning different styles come to life when she would try them on. I LOVED watching her work through her vision of her day and can not WAIT to see Cody's face when he sees her in "the dress" next September!
